Giavanna Grace Ferrucci
Giavanna was discovered along side of her sister at 7 weeks and 3 days. The ultrasound was unscheduled. I went in for what I thought was an ultrasound of my gall bladder and when that checked out just fine, they decided to do an internal ultrasound.
There they were. They really were there! There were 2 BABIES! Hard to believe that we were blessed with such a wonderful thing. Giavanna was quiet even then. The ultrasound tech had to push on the top of my pelvic bone to get her to move. She was always so calm. We were never able to get a true picture of her face. Throughout every ultrasound we had (and we had many) she was always so quiet. We sould have known then, that it was a sign. There was one ultrasound that I remember so vividly. Gianna (Baby A) was actually touching Giavanna's (Baby B) face. At that point, I never thought in a million years that I would have wished she would have printed that picture for me. I never thought once that we may run into any trouble. It was amazing to watch them grow. Always so close in size. They always acted as "one." They really did not even hit eachother that much in utero. They never faught. They were so cramed inside, but they never beat eachother. At 31 weeks and 6 days (my last doctors appointment) my uterus measured 49 weeks pregnant. Still not enough room for the 2 of them.
Funny to think that I would know for sure they never faught, but I did. I knew who was positioned where and who was who. I knew who had the hiccups and when. I knew when Giavanna moved because she was so far in my back. She had the hiccups Monday or Tuesday night before I delivered them that Friday. I remember her head moved up my left side and then back down. That is truly the last time I know that I felt her alive. She was always face down and she never seemed to like getting her picture taken. If I would have known that on March 30, 2006 was the last time I would actually get the chance to see her active, I would have told them to deliver me. How could I have not know there was a problem? I know that I was so close to be with you. I just do not understand why I was given a second chance to live and you were not even given your first?! I really do not even understand how close to death I was. Maybe because I really do not care because I lost you anyway. Who chose for our life to be this? We surely did not.
I so patiently waited for the day I could hold my 2 baby girls together. I never had that chance. I wish that I was not so drugged up that I could have insisted it. For some reason that gift we were so lucky to be blessed with, was taken from us without our permission. Tell me, how can someone do that to a set of parents that want their children so badly? We were scared when we found out, TWINS, but we were SOOOO excited. We were blessed with something that so few people in this world or even their lifetime could ever experience. We conceived our girls spontanously. We were supposed to be able to have people stare at us, like I always did throughout my life, when I saw twins. I wanted people to stare at us and stop us just to catch a peek at our girls.
We never once cared what the sex was of our TWINS was going to be. You know, There are so many people out there that only care of the sex of their unborn child. Those are the poeple that should be ashamed of themselves. I am very bitter toward these poeple. I was then, but ever more now. They need to understand that it should not be what sex your child is, but, "IS MY CHILD HEALTHY?" If there really are people out there that only want to have children to have a boy or girl, then SHAME ON YOU. We truly thought that these babies were boys, I know I did and so did everyone else I talked to. But we did not conceive this pregnancy to have a boy. These were our CHILDREN. We were supposed to be a family of 5 that people could see. Now, how do I explain this to people? The dreaded question is "How many children do you have?" We are still parents and sister to twins, but one walks and one "flies." The ONLY thing we would change about this pregnancy, the outcome.
We can say that the odds are not in our favor, that IF we were to ever conceive again, we will probably never conceive twins again. What we wouldn't do to have this chance again. I think that we should have that chance again. Obviously my opinion does not matter to Him. Eventhough there are times that I look at Gianna and it looks as if she is Giavanna. She looks at me like she sees me for the first time. I will always wonder how our lives would have been different. We were really looking forward Christmas morning this year and all the years to come. Now I dread it. To have to go through what we have been through the past 6 months, this truly is the worst thing. I would not wish this upon anyone.
I have become friends with many women online and joined many support groups online. Our missing angels are what has brought us together. I do not know what I would have done without everyone. My husband especially. You are the backbone in this family. You have been strong when I could not be. You are my life, and like I have told you before, I wonder if Giavanna came to us and left us so soon just to bring us closer then we ever were. You are the best father I could have ever asked for. Our girls have such a great daddy that I feel bad for all those boys that will come into the picture in the future years. I mean, WHAT BOYS?! I know, they will not date until they are 30. You are the best daddy in the world and they love you just as much as I do. Adrianna, you are my first born. You made me get up on the days that I did not want to. You were there when I cried when I was pregnant and I could not do it any longer. You are here now with me when I cry alone and you cry with me. Thank you sweetie. Gianna you are my middle child and you are my miracle. In the cases of TTTS, usually the bigger twin or in most cases BOTH end up passing before or DURING delivery. The larger twin dies from heart failure and sometimes the smaller twin is delivered and dies shortly after delivery. YOU ARE MY MIRACLE. I do not believe that Giavanna GAVE her life for you. She was robbed and you faught with all you had to survive. She was just too small and weak to fight. Giavanna~ Gianna, daddy and I are the only ones that felt you. You are my missing angel that I will always hold close inside my heart. I wish you were here. You took my heart with you when you left. Why did you have to go? Didnt HE know that we needed you here more? I cannot wait to see you and run to you and hold you. And the only way I can talk to you is by a computer?! How unfair... Tell Him that he made a mistake and you belong here with your family. There is no better place than in your mommys arms. Right?!
Mom and Dad~Thank you for everything. Mom thank you for helping me do one of the hardest things I had to do when I had to go through the clothes that were to be Giavannas'. We cried together and I know that I would not have been able to do it alone. Thank you for all the rides back and forth to Syracuse to visit Giavanna When she was there. And you never forget to incude Giavanna. You understand that she is still our daughter. You both are the best parents that anyone could ask for. Love you both.
Mom~Thank you for all you have done. The rides back and forth to Syracuse and the long talks. All you have done for us, there are no words that can express how much we love you. You are truly the greatest "mother"-in-law that we could ask for. We love you so much more than you will EVER know.
Aunt JoAnn and Uncle Rich~You came up and saw us at our worst. For all you did there is nothing that we can do to repay you. You were there when we needed you guys the most. I may have been a bratty child and hard to get along with. I am so very sorry for all the years I was like that. You are so special to us all and you did above and beyond what you ever need to.
Adam and Murphy~Thank you so much for being there in that horrible room when I opened my eyes. A, you and I always have been close and I thank you so much for being there for me. You did not have to see her, hold her, touch her, but you did. Murph you too. Girl, I thank you for being ther when I opened my eyes. It is that that we hold close to our hearts. You both are so special. We love you guys so much.
EVERYONE ELSE~For those of you that came to visit us and helped us, thank you. Without our family and friends, we would not have made it through this. Thank you again so very much. We love all of you.
Thank you for reading and please dont forget to include Giavanna in everything. She is still our daughter, here or there. It is more hurtful that she is not included then when you do. Thank you all for reading.