Second Birthday Letter
To my daughter on her 2nd Birthday:
Hello there my love. How are you? I am generally ok, but this time of year is very hard for me. I am stuggling to get by. It really is hard sometimes. I still feel that there are days that this is still all just a nightmare. I still think that I should be waking up any time now. But I know that it is not a nightmare and that this is all really my life now.
I still think of you everyday. I still try to see if I can see you in Gianna's eyes. I still feel so empty without you here...Does that ever go away? I know that other people that have never been down this road, they just dont understand. They dont understand that it just doesnt got away. It never does...
I still wish that you were here and wonder what my life would be like if I had you here too. I still dream of people staring at me because I was pushing a double stroller with twins. How come I cannot have that? I am still a mother of twins, but I am not "known" or seen like that. I am known as "the mother that lost a twin" or the "mom who has lost a child." Not what I should be known as. It absolutly sucks.
I have decided that I am not keeping you a secret from anyone. I have a daughter that is sitting on my shoulder and that holds my heart. I owe it to you to tell as many people as I can about you. You deserve that. I sit here crying knowing that you should be here for everyone to see. But you are not. You are in Heaven and you are not here. ERRRR!!!! If I could only turn the clocks back...
I am dreading as your sister gets older, her asking about you. I know that it is coming, but it so kills me to know that I am going to have to talk to her about why you were that "chosen" one and she wasnt. But I guess that I will continually worry until the time comes. I know that you will help me through that. Who am I kidding? I need you to help me NOW sometimes to get through everyday activities. I hate myself sometimes. I just wish that this whole thing never happened. I should not have this stupid website and that stupid nightmare to replay over and over. I just wish that it was me, not you.
I always cried when I would watch Steele Magnolius. It used to be one of my favorite movies. Now, after you, I dont even dare. I can just see one section of the movie that I can now see is me. I can see me playing that part. I know what that feeling of loosing your child feels like. No parent should have to bury their child. My children should have to bury ME. Not the other way around. I would die for my kids, and I would let Him take me, to have you here. It is not right that I burried my child. I just dont understand sometimes.
So, here we are again at your birthday. Another year has gone by and it still burns like the day it happened. I try to be so "good" when all I want to do is crawl into bed and under the sheets and stay there until May. But I just cannot do that to Gianna. She is still deserves a birthday party. But she deserves you and I deserve you.....ERRRR....forget it. I cannot even go there again.
But I have to laugh through all of this. Adrianna and Gianna keep me going, I will tell you! But I am sure that you can see that! They keep me laughing when I want to cry. Believe it or not, baby girl, there are actually people out there that think I should be over this. Well here is what I say to them...
-- Unless you have lost a child, You have no idea what REAL PAIN feels like.....
I will let you go now baby girl. I am tired from crying and I need to get some rest. I am ALWAYS thinking of you. Just b/c I dont lite a candle everyday, or come see you everyday, doesnt mean that I am over it. I just cannot come and face you somedays because I still feel so lost. I think that maybe if I dont go see you, then maybe it really didnt happen?! I think of you all the time, I dont have to do things to PROVE that to anyone. I just know it in my heart. I love you and miss you every moment of every day. This year is not even a smidge easier, but just another year gone that is closer to seeing you...
With all my love on your 2nd birthday....
MOMMY
First Birthday Letter
To my daughter on her very first birthday~
Happy Birthday my love! I cannot even believe that you and your sister are actually 1! I am so amazed at how fast this first year went by. I cannot even believe that I had to say goodbye to you 1 year ago. This probably going to be the hardest letter I ever write to you. So here goes...
You are so beautiful and you are getting so big. I know this because every second of everyday that I am watching Gianna, I see you. There are many time, I have said this before, that she looks at me and I know she is seeing something new. That is why I know that it is you. She looks at me differently and she smiles differently. I know that it is you that I am seeing in her eyes. I know that it is you touching me, because it just feels different. She kisses me and at times it is stronger then she can kiss. I know that that kiss was from you.
I look back over the last 2 years and wonder why everything has happened the way that it has. I have not one answer to that question. My pregnancy was perfect and my girls are/were perfect. I really wish I did because I wonder if I would be further in the Bereavement Process. Someone told me that she thought I was stuck in a certain stage of the grieving cycle, and she was right. I have been to a new doctor hoping to begin the steps in a forward direction instead of lateral. We will have to give it time to see if she can help your poor lost mother. I never thought I would need help with anything, but then again I never thought that I would ever loose a child.
You know, funny to think that it is not as easy as everyone thinks to go forward. Many people don't know what it is like to only have that day, those moments of holding on to you and those moments of turning back the clocks to a different day to change what happened. I truly wish that there was a way that I did not have to look at myself in the mirror and not have to look at your sister everyday to just not have it to have happened.
Many people think that just because a year ago they were there for us at the funeral or at the hospital that it ended there. Well it did not. It never will. Your daddy, myself, and your 2 beautiful sisters will never be over it. It is a fact of life for us. We have to live with the emptiness EVERYDAY. I am not looking for any sympathy. We know what we mean to everyone and what we don't to some. That is fine. I have no hate, just sympathy. Sad to think that we had to go through this to see who truly cares and who does not.
I have accepted that there are some who don't call. Glad they do not. I may not be so nice. Thankful for the ones that do, they have no idea what a simple, "how are you?" does during a time like this. Well you know, I tell you. You know what I have been through, you heard me crying in the middle of the night so many time. You hear me when I need your help. I just wish I didn’t have to ask you to help me, for I should be the one helping you.
I do need to ask you a few questions. Did you ever ask Him why this happened? I need you to do that for me when you see Him next time. He should have some type of answer, I would think anyway. What was His intention? Were you put here for a reason? I told your Daddy this and now I am telling you what my thoughts are....I think you were sent to us for a reason. It was to bring us even closer then we were before we conceived you 2. I think you came to us to show your daddy and I what true love really is. We have always been a great couple, so much in love, but now it is different. We were always so close, that I think there were and are many jealous people of that. Seeing that this usually drives a couple apart, we have only gotten closer. Closer then any two people can get. I am so glad that I have your Daddy because if I didn’t have him, who knows where I would be today. I may have joined you by now. He kept me strong. We have cried together. He has held onto me when I did not think that I could stand. He has given me so much to me. I think you came to show us that there are so many things that are taken for granted. I thank you for helping us see that there is more to life then just the stuff on the surface. I owe your Daddy so much. I love you Steve.
I am going to let you go and play with the other angels up there in Heaven. Make sure you kiss Mark for his Mommy. She really missed him. I owe her so much to seeing that I have never even met her and she means the world to me. Keep making everyone smile, your good at that. I love you baby, until next time.....
My love forever;
Mommy
P.S.- By the way, I will be sending you this letter in the red heart balloon that your sister, Gianna, will be releasing on Sunday. My couselor told me that maybe I should do that. I already wrote it, so I figured I would send it. Hope you get it soon! Love you.......